I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
Randomize
