Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
Can you repeat that, but with context?
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
Randomize
