I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Spring semester is just not the same w/o you
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Is constant horniness a medical condition? Because a husband, a boyfriend and an office side piece should be enough penis for one girl - but they’re not :-(
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