where are you?
in the room with the baby pig
k im coming soon
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Randomize
