My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
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