did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
Randomize