you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
I need to sanitize my soul.
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
Randomize
