There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
Randomize
