Yeah I'm pretty much like lane on gilmore girls except my mom doesn't look so mean all the time.
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
My penis needs a shock collar
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
Do you remember whose house we're in?
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
