I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
Oh and I found some acid for the drive back to school, productive day
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
I just got a call from the front desk apparently one of my feiends was dropped off by a handicap bus passed out in a wheel chair unlv is goig down
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
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