rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
i stapled my math hw together with an ear ring, too ghetto?
She called herself a train and then took off all her clothing. I forget everything after that.
I saw you two flinging Jello at the sidewalk if that helps jog your memory.
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
I woke up under a house in Key West
Randomize
