when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
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