I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Randomize
