It's just you. You wear the fuck me fedora and wear baller shorts, hollywood hippie who thinks she is shakira when she's drunk.
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
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