Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
Randomize
