I never want to see another naked old woman again.
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
Randomize
