I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
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