i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
Every time Brady gets sacked I cum a little...
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
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