I need a man. I think Im going to put myself on Craigs list since they caught the killer and all.
Do it and if you add naked pictures youll get an instant reply
He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Randomize
