Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
