I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
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