The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
