I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
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