this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Randomize
