i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
escape the fate? dumbest band name ever. how about escape the fart. now that is a show i would go see!
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
Sober January is a disaster.
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
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