I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
of all places to pass out....why right in front of our RA's door? OF ALL PLACES.
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
Randomize
