Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize