I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
Another weekend, another 3 guys I have to awkwardly avoid while crossing campus...
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
Okay so the couple who keep propositioning people for threeways are def siblings not bf/gf
So are you gonna do it or no you said they're hot
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
You left your phone here
Wait...
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
Randomize
