Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
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