Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
