I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
Yeah I'm pretty much like lane on gilmore girls except my mom doesn't look so mean all the time.
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
We've only been here for 15 hours and our names are already on 2 separate police reports. We've also been given our "final warning" by the cops and hotel management.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
Randomize
