I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
I may only be a second year med student but I feel very confident in calling that a micropenis.
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
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