this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
Randomize
