Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
idk if ive ever seen a picture of him on facebook with his pants on
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
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