Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
i've been fucking this guy since february and just found out he might be uncircumsized. currently google image searching to confirm.
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
Just did lines off a tackle box. Love Montana.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
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