I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
If I'm going to keep blacking out this much I need to start taking more pictures.
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
Randomize
