I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
Randomize