i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Randomize
