i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
