yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
