i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
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