if i can run in heels then i can drive
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
She called herself a train and then took off all her clothing. I forget everything after that.
I saw you two flinging Jello at the sidewalk if that helps jog your memory.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
He is now tagging himself in my pics from last year where he is barely visable in the corner. i feel like he's marking his territory.
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
Randomize
