Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
Randomize
