Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
Randomize
