Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
Randomize
