dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
