Don't cheat on me with the blonde bimbo religi freak
I wouldn't touch her with a ten foot pole
She's blonde
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
We were taking body shots by lunch. I love college.
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
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