Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
Randomize
