Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
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