Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
Thumbs up
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
Randomize
