"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
Randomize
