HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
Hurry up I might actually study if I am left alone
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
Randomize
