i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors
Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
I really wanna treat my body good. Because i plan on doing drugs
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
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