if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
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