I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
Randomize
