idk hes just been lookin at me weird all night
he probably just wants to cut your skin off and wear you like a body suit
It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
I'm gonna fight the coyote
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
Randomize
