Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
There's a girl in here wearing a kaballah bracelet and a miley Cyrus tshirt. consider her judged.
And he tried to make it as casual as possible by asking where i was going on vacation while he was poundin me.
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
Randomize
