So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
Randomize
