Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
he just told me his nickname was "nickexplodeon"
does that mean he doesn't last long?
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
