last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
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